This chapter is an edited version of a long conversation between H and I. What’s especially significant is early-stage Awareness of dealing with BMNs. We typically see the consequences toward the end of a relationship or extended interaction, or after, but seldom do we get to see what a huge effect BMNs can have on a good person right from the beginning. How severely they affect another’s being, their mindsets, perception, feelings, and self-worth. The conversation is significant for demonstrating working through a problem, sticking with the Intent-to-Resolution. And of course, also about Love between friends.
H: I’m just so over this exchange thing – which is silly because it’s so simple. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I just want to do my own thing or be in a partnership which aids me in a real way?
It’s a good room-mate situation on so many levels for both parties. I was intending a rent exchange. yet I’m frustrated.
…It’s a chore. Yet yesterday I did some work, just sweeping the deck and raking leaves etc., out in the garden at some-one’s place. I enjoyed it immensely.
Me: Just lay down what you need and want. Say so firmly and clearly. At the same time define what she’ll get. Give her much more than she ever expects, like you’ll take care of her completely.
H: My heart’s not in it.
Me: Yes, I understand its dilemma, but operate from a point of expediency, like you’re a nurse with an unruly home-care patient.
H: I like the idea of the house, meaning I like a beautiful home with these spectacular views, not necessarily this place… there’s an energy to it… It’s very well situated and convenient for me to walk everywhere, etc. Everything is good really. Except I’m no longer feeling it…
Me: Oh dear. Sweetness, try telling D exactly how you feel. Maybe that desperation to keep you will reform her.
H: I understand what you’re saying, however I just don’t have the interest, the heart. And I ought to!!! It’s a place to stay and a good one, in so many ways!!! What’s Up with Me?
Me: I mean, you can go the other way also, explain you want love and peace and sweetness and gentleness and kindness and grace and harmony and beauty and joy in the interaction.
H: Are you reading what I’m saying?
I don’t have the glue…
Me: Yes, I really am, the only answers are for either you or her to leave, or change. This is the harsh reality, I’m trying to find a softer alternative.
H: You’d think I ought to be Motivated. Yet!! I’m not!!
Me: Then don’t be. Seriously. Let that be your guidance, just go with whatever comes your way and enjoy the things you like in between. For the rest, just meet them with inner silence
I mean, the harsh reality is that D isn’t nice. I’m trying to soften this with alternative perspectives to approach her with.
Lack of motivation is a cruel taskmistress, it’s one of the pressures which gave rise to Holding One Point, to learn to be masters or mistresses of our own motivations.
To self-determine – that’s the goal!
I’m trying to present you with different options and approaches to the situation H, hopefully one of them will help. Hard to say ’cause it depends so much on mood, and energy.
H: I’m just miffed…
Me: D’s a stern test of Impeccability. What miffs you are your expectations.
H: I feel like I have to get out. She’s seemingly pleasant. Why am I in such revolt?!
She tests my efficient use of energy? – By impinging on it?
Me: Many reasons. Main one is she isn’t what she tries to be, or appears to try showing.
H: What are my Expectations? I didn’t know I had any. Nor that the situation even allows for it.
Me: She’s constantly demanding. Worst of all she shifts the goals and playing field all the time. So you can’t plan or find ways to work around. That’s why a completely revolutionary strategy is needed.
H: I really don’t care to have that sort of thing in my world.
Me: Yes. But you have to ask yourself what you need to learn from the situation. You have to at least ask, so you can move on.
Being Able to Play
H: Petty tyrant? Yet there’s no real power…
Me: You might not like the situation, but that doesn’t mean you can’t temporarily adopt the mindset necessary to deal with it.
Just doing so will probably be enough. Likely you won’t even have to go through with the application.
H: I do and have asked. This situation is my mother all over again!! Remember right down to the name and birthday. Did I not mention this?
Me: Right. You absolutely refuse to play their games!!
H: I’m just not interested in my mother anymore – no hard feelings.
Just no glue.
She just won’t let go energetically – hence this manifestation.
Me: Yes. But I didn’t mean it that way. I meant, you must refuse to play those games, with or without them.
H: And I’m not interested.
Me: Maybe just step back a second and look at it all again. The problem is one from a Universal Perspective.
H: What’s this thing with my mother revisited? The long and the short, she just will not leave me be energetically!!
Me: You don’t want to, and refuse to play their games. Very good. On a moral, ethical and nice person level that’s all excellent.
Hang in here with me and we’ll get to it
I mean it’s really a good thing, your refusal to involve yourself with their silliness. But refusing to play and not being able to play isn’t the same.
That’s what the Universe is trying to tell you. You HAVE to play, or at least just be prepared to play. Even if it’s only just once, so you’ll have developed the ability to be able to play. If needed, you CAN! That’s all the Universe is asking.
H: I saw it as an exercise in not having my energy impinged upon. I choose to not have my time and energy impinged upon. That happened when I was paying rent and now there’s seemingly a legitimate reason for it, the rent exchange.
Me: It wants to make sure when it comes to this kind of thing, to these most onerous of dirty games, that you can and will, and know how to, that you’re able to get your own hands dirty.
It’s beyond the details.
You have to acquire an onerous and distasteful ability. If only temporarily, perhaps for only a fraction of time, but the Universe has to make sure you know how.
H: I CHOOSE TO NOT, TO NOT HAVE, my Energy Impinged Upon!!
Me: That way people like D, when they look into your soul on the gridwork, they’ll see the echo of that stain and they’ll know you can.
H: Yes, I’ve a Distaste for this kind of thing.
Me: Yes, awesome angel, play their game a bit, even if it’s distasteful, it’s necessary. In the Great Scheme, Appropriateness trumps all.
Sometimes reason, logic and good intentions don’t work, sadly.
Just work her case a little bit and it’ll all be good, you’ll see.
H: It’s Appropriate for me to do the exchange because hey, I live here. Yet I just do not want to comply, everything in me riles against this.
Me: She won’t like it one little bit, but she won’t be able to complain either.
Yes, this is precisely a case where reason and logic fall away, your task is to INSIST on something illogical and unreasonable, that’s precisely the challenge.
H: Won’t like what? She doesn’t like my current demeanour, however subtle. She knows it’s not compliant like before.
Me: You have to be the unreasonable bitch for a bit. Be demanding, be unfair, unreasonable, ask for what you don’t deserve, no, demand it, but do it in such a way it’s an expectation, a right, there’s no argument. It just is what it is. That’s your taking, being a pirate, not a happy pirate this time, a true pirate, a bitch pirate. Lol.
H: Are you saying I ought to just tell her I can’t do this. Exactly as it is. Which is highly illogical.
Me: Basically. If you abstract it, you need to do exactly what she and your mother and my mother does.
H: Considering the situation…
Me: Except you’ll do it with full Awareness and you’ll stow the ability away as far as you possibly can when you’re done with it.
I don’t mean have a fight with her, mind you, it’s just an attitude, an expectation, an air, a certitude, an arrogance, an unreasonableness, a demand with every expectation it will be fulfilled.
You’ll eat your cake and have it too!
Examination and Realisation
H: Which is what exactly? I guess I never really cared to look to closely at what they really did.
I’m hyper-ventilating… dizzy… my eyesight.
I’m not feeling well, nausea,
dizzy… drunk.. I’m feeling strange…
Me: It’s a power rush sweetness. Love yourself for a bit, hug yourself and drink water. The joy of and love of life.
I wish I could be there to hug you.
But I can feel you against my side when I close my eyes… (: <3
I’m holding you tightly H, tightly.
H: I don’t know about that. I’m okay now. Getting myself together. That strange feeling came over me with the realisation I never looked, or more specifically, I never wanted too look to closely, at what my mother and D and your mom did, do.
*** Call to H, no answer. ***
I can’t talk, much better to write right now.
Me: Yes, it’s disgusting.
Your mom is on the less extreme end and mine more repulsive.
H: Yes. Why am I upset? Crying now. Really Upset. I avoided looking at it all these years.
What do they do?
Me: The realisation you also have that ability inside you…
H: But they pretend to be all nice and caring… they don’t do a good job of the pretence.
Me: You’ve denied it’s existence, to your unending credit Angel, that’s why you’re so awesome and so lovely and so good and so nice and so delightful and so fantastic.
H: It’s so unnecessary what they do. No reason for it.
Me: But the Universe is saying: “H – you have to learn how to use that gift from the mothers.”
H: I have to USE.
Me: Sadly, it could be that you have to, that’s all. It’s just the possibility that’s needed. Why? Because nature abhors a vacuum as you said.
H: I’m not following the above comment??
Me: You don’t actually have to apply it most likely, but the Universe wants to be damn sure that you will if you have to.
H: Please I’m not following…???
Me: Take D for instance, she perceives a vacuum of sorts in you, she sees too much niceness from her cock-eyed understanding and perspective on the world. There’s no resistance, as it were, so she tries to fill that gap with crap. She doesn’t really know what else to do, “but something has to go in there.”
She sticks her hand in and nothing bites at it, which is what she sort of expects, and since there’s no bite or even bark she keeps on rooting around, just because she can.
She’s incapable of perceiving complete niceness as not being a weakness, it’s just her flaw and of those like her.
They see openness, not understanding it’s purity and grace, and just assume it’s an opportunity to feed their greed. That’s why they stick their hand in looking for something, they don’t even know what.
The lack of badness is the vacuum, and they have to fill it.
The world of you won’t make sense to them until you work it according to their rules a bit.
They just need that knowing. Once they know it and their hand has been bitten then they won’t mess anymore.
They really only know abuse, it’s their system. If they don’t get abused back their world stops making sense.
They need some counter abuse from you to make it all balance.
H: I told her my friend B told me I will be Resurrected this year because my birthday’s on the day of resurrection this time around. I also said that’s what I’d like for my birthday, for my life to be resurrected.
Me: Oh sweetness – that’s marvellous. I will Intend that with all by being, with all my heart.
There’s another perspective on all this, a humanitarian one. Coming into contact with you and knowing you is an imposition on those abusive psychologies
How so, you may ask – how are you an imposition on them?
H: The only thing I can do, is just what’s in fact happening – tell her I can’t do this project… So simple, yet I rile against it. I find no sense in it for myself.
How? She likes to think she’s a humanitarian.
Me: You impose an onus on them by being good and pure and true – you prove the lie they tell themselves all their lives – the lie that the abuse they perpetrate is okay because everyone does it.
It isn’t okay. That’s how they live with themselves. But here you come along and just simply prove, without even trying, it’s all a lie. They can’t easily live with themselves and hate you for it. Thus they go out of their way to get abused back by you – that will restore the oozy cover of their BS, and all will be good again.
They just want to know you’re also “human.”
But you don’t have to really do it. From their perspective you will, but from yours you’re doing the Universe’s work, you’re doing them a favour. An act of supreme goodness and kindness, being shitty for their sake. But sadly they’ll never know.
If they did ever figure it out it, it’ll only be because they have outgrown their silliness – and then they’ll be inordinately grateful and thankful.
Angel – very regrettably and sadly, I have to say you need to play games with them, just a bit. Politics, BS, ego and vanity games, abuse and counter abuse, any of those. Not to get immersed in it, just touch on it here and there.
Remember with J and his wife on KK? The interaction was the exact same dynamic. Started the same way and developed the same way. But we gave them a bit of a taste of their own medicine didn’t we? Then they just went away and the situation resolved itself, turned out fantastic. We got what we needed out of it for our grand adventure, and all with simply us being resolute and saying: “Enough is enough, no more.”
I saw the seeds of your fierceness back then angel – your determination when combating BS then. That they wouldn’t get away with it. Was awesome. I can clearly recall it even now.
The problem is your motivation then was stimulated by altruistic motivations. Because they were being asshats to someone you cared about, that got you motivated.
Do I have it right about the motivation angel??
There’s more but I want to make sure before I proceed.
H: Yes… I guess that’s what usually motivates me… I remember instances in the past, coming to someones defence etc. Here’s no altruistic reason to proceed…
That’s our Achilles heel – where we were held when we were dipped into the pool of love. We don’t care about ourselves!!!
H: Self hate?
I don’t think so.
Me: Foolish foolish beings – the Universe is annoyed with us for sure – no, not for self-hating – we don’t do that.
H: Self-acceptance, this I have.
Me: For not Self-Loving!!!!!!
We are confused about Self-Love and vanity and ego and self-importance.
We have to learn to love ourselves like we love no others.
H: Are Self-Acceptance and Self-Love not the same?
Me: If we are to be our own eternal BFFs – forever! – hadn’t we better learn to love ourselves like nothing ever before and nothing ever after??
No – Self-Acceptance and Self-Love are nothing alike, that’s like saying a go-cart and a Ferrari are the same.
We have to love ourselves, to LOVE ourselves, to Loooovvvve ourselves. To love, love, love, love and love again.
To revel in who we are, to delight, to wonder – to marvel – to be endlessly fascinated by ourselves, without ego, with nothing but simple truthful Appreciation.
We can only do this through a true Understanding of what makes for our lovableness.
When we Understand it’s an ineffable quality, a pureness, a grace, a gift, a something that’s just there, something we just have, a Goodness, then we know it just is, with no judgement involved, for none is possible. We can’t take any credit, can’t refuse self-love or reject, can’t even accept really, as it’s just there. We can only just love it, love that which is our Self.
We can polish it though, to be sure, we can polish, especially polish knowing self-love and ego are not connected. .
H: But, polishing requires an environment conducive to polishing
not ‘barren ground.’
Me: When we understand all this, when we breathe it with our every breath, when we think it with our every thought, when we feel it with our every feeling, when we fully understand this about ourselves and come to terms with this awesome, overwhelming truth, how can we NOT Love ourselves?
Lol – the velvet is required to off-set the diamond
This rough ground is simply there to give you a better perspective on yourself and ultimately help you to Love who you are.
H: I’m referring to this situation.
Me: All of it, all you find yourself in, a mechanism for you to fully see and appreciate yourself, to absolutely Love yourself, but also to Understand the responsibility it brings, the care and awareness required for you to be you.
So you’re being asked to do something odious and distasteful to help someone and to restore their balance (and also yours) – you’re baulking at the unpleasantness which might be required.
It’s a job which goes to your core. But we have to ask ourselves – why are the artificial gems which are created, why are they so lacklustre?
It’s because they have no inclusions.
You have to add an inclusion or two for your perfection to truly shine and be appreciated.
H: A deliberate flaw.
Me: Yes – sweet angel – A Deliberate Flaw. Kinda, except of course it’s not really a flaw.
To get away from the abstract a bit – you just motivate and stimulate me that way – I guess what I’m saying with all this is you just have to behave like them a bit. Just a bit, mind you, and all will be well. Just engage in your unreasonable act. Don’t think it through, just do it!!
But you – and I mean YOU! 🙂 You can’t be artificial, so go with something you have feelings about, regardless of how silly or unreasonable or illogical they may be, just act on them.
Use that give of motivation which has come your way from the Universe.
H: What give/gift of motivation?
Me: Lol, I was just reading that. Meant to say gift, but was wondering about the give… good both ways I think. 🙂
I guess it’s a Give-of-Motivation, by the Universe, like a Gesture, something special.
More deliberate than Gift-of-the-Universe implies.
Now I come to think on it – means it has to be acted upon…
You can’t take it or leave it.
Oh – lol – I think you meant, what’s the actual motivation itself? What did you tell me earlier you felt like doing even though it made no sense?
H: I’ve a simple situation and a simple thing to do. Yet I baulk at it. I just don’t care to do it. To have anything to do with it. I think I felt this way right from the start. First I thought it was just because I didn’t know, yet everything is so simple, and I’ve no inclination to get on with it.
Me: Right. Choice is out of your hands now, you have to just do it, sooner it’s over and done with, the better.
H: Furthermore I’ve no real pc skills which is sorely wanting in this house. Yet a blessing I realise now. So too the fact I don’t take photographs?! Everybody takes pics except me, and a photographer was needed and the very pic I took of D is being used. Lol. Me the inept photographer?!
Me: Angel – as always we have the strategy of a warrior to help us. Don’t think of it as acting badly or distastefully, think of it as just being a bit crazy, it’s more palatable that way.
Yes, lol, just goes to show. Imagination can be our worst enemy when we imagine fears. Always, always, please remember, no matter what, it’ll always work out your way, it always has, and it always will!
H: So, what do I do? Just proceed with the truth, which is weird and wacky, I just find myself baulking at doing the… It’s soooo crazy. That’s my rent exchange!
Me: I just love you and love you and love you so – dang – sorry for saying it so much but I’m just sitting here and that’s what I’m feeling, lol.
Just balk! Baulk away to your heart’s content. Baulk and don’t think not one more thought about it!
H: So actually following the truth of my feelings is in fact going to provide the ‘abuse’ from my part!!!
Is that right?
Me: Yes! – go for it!
Doesn’t matter – there is no then what, for once. Could end badly…
H: Precisely! …could end badly!
Me: Yes – so go for it!
H: I’m strangely not perturbed – which makes it more perturbing.
Me: For once you have to set aside your awareness.
Just set it aside, set it aside.
Denouement Into Appreciation
Me: …dearest dearest angel…
kissing you all over..
and kiss again…
Me: A little impromptu poem for you!
I like the yep in there – lol. And:
“Self-Love is also the Greatest Self-Trust!”
H: So Self Love IS Self Trust! Now it all makes Sense…
I’ve been sitting on this precipice for a while.
H: Lol lol lol.
Me: (claps hands in sheer delight)
Me: I squirm with joy and love of you.
H: Lol… ahh… okey. This is too much Fun!
So I guess tomorrow evening push comes to shove – quite Literally!!
Me: I’ve made my peace with mediocrity.
Lol – too far away – blank from now till then.
H: I’ve made My Peace with Mediocrity!
Me: Anything which pops up in that regard just nix it, immediately, and return to the blissful blankness.
H: Just felt I had to declare that as well!!! Why? No idea? Do you know?
Me: Came from the depths – I really had thought it through and over, a while back, just squirrelled out now. (:
No – not sure why your declaration also, but hearing you do so and affirm it was most marvellous.
Enjoying our, selves. Yes!
H: I saw a squirrel fall into the water yesterday, never seen that before!
Me: Love the squirrel falling into water – such a perfect encapsulation.
H: How so?
Me: To the whole talk – reminder of the folly all around us – and the fun.
And the unexpected.
And the no big-dealness.
And the Joy.
I mean, forever if I think of that squirrel falling into the water it will bring back all this wondrous wonder and remind me of loving you, and of our pact to love ourselves, and to trust ourselves.
And the Joy.
H: I saw this when I was sweeping the deck and raking the leaves…
Me: You inspire me to lyric effusiossity.
That’s perfect – a gift for a zen warrior sweeper of leaves…
H: And the owner came out and thanked me and I said something to the point that I was just doing what I was doing. And he said something like, You should be Thanked.
The squirrel truly was Universal Punctuation – most excellent!
H: I really felt like it was no ordinary thank you, however kind or gracious or heartfelt – seemed like an Extra-Ordinary Gesture. Just struck me that way.
Me: Yes – no-doubt.
H: Why would that be? I guess it seemed to be about more than just what I was doing…
Me: It wasn’t about WHAT you were doing, but WHO was doing the doing.
Was about you doing.
Just simply doing. About you BEING!
Should have asked him for alms.
A contribution to the Universe.
A donation to the Spirit-of-Man.
A Little Story:
Sweep sweep gentle leaves,
peaceful blissful sweep sweep,
sweep of joy,
sweep of love.
“I’m just sweeping…”
“…and I’m just thanking.”
“Yes, thank you, could you make a donation to the Spirit-of-Man?”
“I find myself in need just right now,
and some help would really be appreciated –
you just happened to come along
at the right time.
Thought I’d ask.”
(Smiles broadly with just a tiny bit of a mischievous twinkle in the eye.)
“OK, no problem, it’ll be my pleasure. One moment, I’ll be right back.”
(Returns with generosity and profuse thanks for being a part of the magic.)
“Thank You. It’s a marvellous world isn’t it.”
(She returns to her sweeping
and envelopes him in her calm,
her joy –
nothing more can be said.)
sweep of Peace
(He returns inside.
She has once again
influenced the outcome of events
with the force of her awareness alone –
Me: Just love you – brings out all sorts of stuff.
H: I actually did entertain all sorts of magical notions of offers.
Me: Wow – most awesomely cool.
H: In my head of course, sort of daydreaming…
Me: Yes – the Universe hints in all sorts of wonderful ways.
Lol – I like no loose ends in stories where my mind is. Like: “Ya – but then what?” And have the question have unresolved answers. The answer must always be a fairy tale kind. And then what? Well, she went on her merry and magical way is what! For more adventures of course! But that’s for next time – now off to bed with you!
Mmmmmm… anticipation… yum.
H: Yes. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You… Awesome Emissary of The Cosmos.