Podcast: https://anchor.fm/nobelia/episodes/Ask-Biella—Can-you-help-me-understand-self-pity-better-e2b7kn

Ask Biella: -

My friend is always full of self-pity and doesn’t see how bad that is. Can you help me understand self-pity better?

Distorted Self-Importance

Dear H, Self-pity is a devastating personal evil. Why is it so powerful? Why do we want to feel sorry for ourselves? Why does is cause us to endure the negative and why do we choose the negatives that go with self-pity?

Because it’s the near twin of self-importance. Self-pity is that one thing, that key ingredient, that master of distortion, which allows us to feel SPECIAL. That’s the core of its evil and its power. That’s the connection to self-importance. The “I Deserve to feel SPECIAL” idea. That’s the true horror, and that is where all the corruption stems from, the misbegotten notion and foisted ideal of “Specialness”.

One just has to love a lawn to realise how absurd it would be if the individual blades of grass were to insist on specialness. They are each and everyone awesome just as is. It’s but one example of a perspective on the folly of self-importance, and the insistence on the ridiculousness of specialness.

Rationalising Crappiness

There’s another aspect to its insidious destructiveness. If we can convince ourselves we are tragically impaired, that we are flawed and handicapped through no fault of our own, then it alleviates us from responsibility for our failings and shortcomings. Nothing is really our fault then. This is so sad. It’s all premised on self-importance, on self-importance being valuable. Once we unhook from the idea that self-importance, status, and “shine” have value, then we are free to be incomplete.

We are free from the pressure to always be “right” and not make mistakes. What a Liberation! We can then make mistakes! What a joy. Mistakes teach us. We learn from mistakes. Mistakes lead us to unknown and unexplored areas of ourselves and our world we would not otherwise be aware of. But this excellent Value of Mistakes is denied to the self-important, and especially to the self-pitying. What a sad loss, especially as they are the ones that can benefit the most from the freedom of being able to make mistakes.

The grasping onto self-pity is a cry for help. It is a way of saying that one is not up to the task. A hidden way. For if help were asked for directly, it would conflict with the self-important image of false competence. The internal self-pity leads to imagined scenarios of help which cannot be fulfilled in actuality. Sad secret desperations of imaginations which have no real hope of being fulfilled. And all because of buying into an idea that someone else’s opinion matters.

Ask Biella: -

Misguided Conformity

The idea that we have to look and seem special, not be so, just look and seem so. Leads to living a massive lie, that’s the real tragedy. When the truth is so amazing; to just be a simple and regular person is cool. Such marvellous people are treasures. To be genuine, earnest, sincere and good requires no specialness. When all the pretence is dropped the whole world is keen to help. Everything that’s desired in terms of personal growth is open to be acquired when self-pity and self-importance are cut from one’s life. Why is is so hard to embrace ourselves for the children we are?

If one has Joy and Grace, appreciation and gratitude. If one is connected to the magic that is the World and has that awesomeness as part of one’s life, what does it matter in the least if one is special? It is abundantly GOOD for the individual, and whether one is special or not doesn’t matter one little bit.

In fact, the reverse manifests, we then want to be un-special, in that we want everyone to have and experience what we have. So to reach the epitome of humanness is to strive for un-specialness.

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